Bill Maher has once denied he is an atheist. In his patented irreverence, the popular socio-political satirist said, “I’m not an atheist. There’s a really big difference between an atheist and someone who just doesn’t believe in religion. Religion to me is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need. But I’m not an atheist, no.” Maher thinks of himself more as an apatheist or an apathetic atheist, someone who does not think much about religion. Surprisingly, he grew up as a Catholic but a disagreement between his father and the Catholic Church’s position on birth control prompted the elder Maher to stop bringing his kids to church. I am sure that little incident made quite an impression on Bill. I have been following Maher’s Twitter posts during the course of the recent presidential elections. This led me to a blog which uploads complete episodes of his popular program Real Time with Bill Maher. In a span of one week, I watched his docu-film Religulous and bought his book, The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass. “Hooked” is a total understatement. Aside from politics and the benefits of pot, Maher reserves a special place for religion in his satirical smorgasbord. Most people rumples up RELIGION and SPIRITUALITY. Personally, I believe the latter is more important than the former because too much emphasis on religion muddles up a lot of important stuff. Confusion starts in the human interpretation. For example, the Bible has several interpretations from different sects and prophets that it has been diluted to incredible levels of craziness. To look at our lives through religious lens is erroneous for it provides a one-dimensional perspective to matters in need of detailed inspection. Another satirist, Jon Stewart, sums up MY PERSONAL FEELINGS about religion, “Religion: it’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.”
NUMBER TEN: CHURCHES HAVE TO STOP RINGING THE DAMN BELLS.
It was a good idea in the Middle Ages, but people have clocks now. It’s not like you’re doing us all a favor by keeping the hunchbacks off the street. Make up your mind, are a house of worship or an ice cream truck?
NUMBER NINE: LET THE POPE BE POPE.
An animal-rights group in Italy has asked Pope Benedict to give up his fur-trimmed cape and hat. To which the Pope replied, “Don’t be hatin’ on my cape, bitch.” Sorry, but Pope are the original divas, they invented bling, they’ve been wearing outlandish outfits for a thousand years – almost as long as Elton John. The clothes, the jewels, the fancy palace, those aren’t just symbols of the Papacy, they are the Papacy. The day the Pope shows up on the balcony in a pair of jeans and a polo shirt is the day a billion Catholics go, “What the hell were we thinking?”
NUMBER EIGHT: STOP PUTTING RELIGIOUS STATUES ON THE FRONT LAWN.
Whoever said there are no virgins left in L.A. has never been to a Mexican neighbourhood – there’s one in every front year. At least my lawn jockey is tasteful. Besides, if I want to see the Virgin Mary, I’ll order the grilled cheese.
NUMBER SEVEN: IF MORMONS ARE GOING TO KEEP PUTTING UP TEMPLES, THEIR ARCHITECTURE HAS TO SUCK LESS.
Gee, thanks, Mormons. Another mall parking garage with an angel on top. You’ve answered the design question no one was asking: “What if we up-lit a Soviet-era apartment complex?” “Our religion isn’t strange at all. Now, please, step inside our windowless box of creepy.”
NUMBER SIX: POPES ARE SUPPOSED TO LOVE EVERYBODY.
Pope Benedict has rejected France’s new ambassador to the Vatican because he’s gay and married to a man. The Pope said it just wouldn’t be right to have a homosexual walking around his pretend country run by men in dresses. So stay away, you nasty gay Frenchman or the Vatican guards in their adorable striped pantaloons will have their way with you!
NUMBER FIVE: IF CHURCHES DON’T HAVE TO PAY TAXES, THEY ALSO CAN’T CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT WHEN THEY CATCH FIRE.
Sorry, Reverend, that’s one of those “services” that goes along with “paying in.” I’ll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.
NUMBER FOUR: IF YOUR PEOPLE ARE SO DESPERATE THAT MANNEQUINS MAKE THEM HORNY, THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR RELIGION.
This week, police in Iran confiscated sixty-five mannequins for being too sexy. Guys, I’m sorry, but it’s the mannequins that are supposed to have the sticks up their asses. In the free West, we don’t have impure thoughts about inert hunks of tit-shaped plastic. We have Britney Spears.
NUMBER THREE: AND I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO SAY THIS, BUT NO, GOD DOES NOT WANT YOU TO BREAST-FEED YOUR CO-WORKERS.
A new fatwa in Saudi Arabia declares that women should breast-feed their male colleagues and acquaintances, in order to establish “maternal relations” and thus preclude the possibility of sexual contact. Because, really, nothing says “Let’s just be friends” like putting your titty in someone’s mouth.
NUMBER TWO: IF AN EVANGELICAL TRIES TO USE HALLOWEEN TO PIMP JESUS TO KIDS, THEY GET TO EGG HIS HOUSE.
On Halloween, the president of the American Family Association urged his flock to hand out a Christian-based comic book instead of candy. Excuse me, Halloween isn’t a time to push your beliefs. You don’t see me handing out pot to kids. Okay, well not the little kids.
NUMBER ONE: SINCE IN A RECENT POLL ONLY FIFTEEN PERCENT OF AMERICANS SAID THEY BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION, AMERICA MUST CHANGE ITS NAME TO THE UNITED STATES OF JESUS CHRIST.
And our motto from “E Pluribus Unum” to “I’m with Stupid.” The good news for the nation? If we get any stupider about science, we’ll forget how to cook crystal meth.
BONUS: YOU DON’T HAVE TO TEACH BOTH SIDES OF A DEBATE IF ONE SIDE IS A LOAD OF CRAP.
President Bush recently suggested that public schools should teach “intelligent design” alongside the theory of evolution, because after all, evolution is “just a theory.” Then the president renewed his vow to “drive the terrorists straight over the edge of the earth.”
Here’s what I don’t get: President Bush is a brilliant scientist. He’s the man who proved you could mix two parts booze with one part cocaine and still fly a jet fighter. And yet he just can’t seem to accept that we descended from apes. It seems pathetic to be so insecure about your biological superiority from a group of feces-flinging, rouge-buttocked monkeys that you have to make up fairy tales like “We came from Adam and Eve,” and then cover-stories for Adam and Eve, like intelligent design! Yeah, leaving the earth in the hands of two naked teenagers, that’s a real intelligent design.
I’m sorry folks, but it may very well be that life is just a series of random events, and that there is mo master plan – but enough about Iraq.
There aren’t necessarily two sides to every issue. If there were, the Republicans would have an opposition party. And an opposition party would point out that even though there’s a debate in schools and government about this, there is no debate among scientists. Evolution is supported by guys on line to see The Dukes of Hazzard.
And the reason there is no real debate is that intelligent design isn’t real science. It’s the equivalent of saying that the Thermos keeps hot things hot and cold things cold because it’s a god. It’s so wilfully ignorant you might as well worship the U.S. mail. “It came again! Praise Jesus!”
Stupidity isn’t a form of knowing things. Thunder is high-pressure air meeting low-pressure air – it’s not God bowling. “Babies come from storks” is not a competing school of thought in medical school.
We shouldn’t teach both. The media shouldn’t equate both. If Thomas Jefferson knew we were blurring the line this much between Church and State, he would turn over in his slave.
As for me, I believe in evolution and intelligent design. I think God designed us in his image, but I also think God is a monkey.
SOURCE: Maher, Bill. The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me has Their Head Up Their Ass. New York: Blue Rider Press. 2011, pp. 9, 10, 47, 85, 111, 142, 143, 196, 214, 215, 267, 268, 303.
