SEX. POLITICS. RELIGION.
Good.
I NOW HAVE YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION.
NUMBER TEN: “I AM AGAINST ONE-NIGHT STANDS. I BELIEVE YOU SHOULD GET TO KNOW SOMEONE AND BE IN LOVE WITH THEM BEFORE YOU USE AND DEGRADE THEM.” — STEVE PERSON
PERSONAL TAKE: Honest dude.
NUMBER NINE: “I WAS PRETTY OLD BEFORE I HAD MY FIRST SEXUAL EXPERIENCE. THE REASON WAS THAT I WAS BORN BY CESAREAN SECTION AND HAD NO FRAME OF REFERENCE.” — JEFF HILTON
PERSONAL TAKE: Men need frames of reference?!
NUMBER EIGHT: “I BELIEVE THAT SEX IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, NATURAL AND WHOLESOME THING MONEY CAN BUY.” — STEVE MARTIN
PERSONAL TAKE: At least he still considered it beautiful and natural.
NUMBER SEVEN: “I REGRET TO SAY THAT THE FBI IS POWERLESS TO ACT IN CASES OF ORAL-GENITAL INTIMACY UNLESS IT IS IN SOME WAY OBSTRUCTS INTERSTATE COMMERCE.” — J. EDGAR HOOVER
PERSONAL TAKE: “Good.” — JFK
NUMBER SIX: “I WEAR FAKE FUR. YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT I HAD TO FAKE TO GET IT.” — FRAN DRESCHER
PERSONAL TAKE: Love?
NUMBER FIVE: “GOD GAVE MEN A PENIS AND A BRAIN, BUT ONLY ENOUGH BLOOD TO RUN ONE AT A TIME.” — ROBIN WILLIAMS
PERSONAL TAKE: So this means man is the weaker sex because their blood circulation cannot multi-task.
NUMBER FOUR: “IN ANCIENT TIMES, MEN SACRIFICED VIRGINS TO THE GODS. THEY WERE CAREFUL NOT TO SACRIFICE THE SLUTS.” — BILL MAHER
PERSONAL TAKE: Therefore I conclude ancient priests are into sluts.
NUMBER THREE: “THE LAST TIME I WAS INSIDE A WOMAN, I WAS VISITING THE STATUE OF LIBERTY.” — WOODY ALLEN
PERSONAL TAKE: This’ll not be possible at present because of the #governmentshutdown
NUMBER TWO: “IN MY SEX FANTASIES, NOBODY EVER LOVED ME FOR MY MIND.” — NORA EPHRON
PERSONAL TAKE: The pains of smart woman. #wemissnoraephron
NUMBER ONE: “EVERY WOMAN LEARNS TO FAKE AN ORGASM. IT’S COMMON COURTESY.” — JOAN RIVERS
PERSONAL TAKE: Joan is the truth.
NUMBER TEN: “IT HAS BEEN SAID THAT AT THE END OF THE DAY, EVERY POLITICIAN IS HUMAN. WHAT ABOUT DURING THE DAY?” — STEPHEN COLBERT
PERSONAL TAKE: Shape-shifteeeeer!
NUMBER NINE: “IN THE SOVIET UNION, EVERYBODY SUSPECTED EVERYBODY OF BEING A SPY. YOU COULDN’T TRUST ANYBODY. WHEN I WAS BORN IN THE 1970s, MY MOTHER PICKED ME UP AND SHOUTED, ‘WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?’” — KIRA SOLTANOVICH
PERSONAL TAKE: Paranoia: Vladimer Putin Level.
NUMBER EIGHT: “I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THE MOST POWERFUL NATION ON EARTH AND I TAKE ORDERS FROM NOBODY EXCEPT PHOTOGRAPHERS.” — HARRY TRUMAN
PERSONAL TAKE: Truman will love selfies.
NUMBER SEVEN: “IF I AM ELECTED MAYOR OF NEW YORK, THE FIRST THING I WILL DO IS DEMAND A RECOUNT.” — WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY JR.
PERSONAL TAKE: #lol
NUMBER SIX: “WHEN YOUR OPPONENT IS DROWNING, THROW HIM AN ANVIL.” — JAMES CARVILLE
PERSONAL TAKE: Take me as apprentice ruthless political Jedi master.
NUMBER FIVE: “A DIPLOMAT CAN TELL YOU GO TO HELL IN A WAY THAT MAKES YOU LOOK FORWARD TO THE TRIP.” — CASKIE STINNETT
PERSONAL TAKE: That is one hell of an exceptional diplomat.
NUMBER FOUR: “A FOOL AND HIS MONEY ARE SOON ELECTED.” — WILL ROGERS
PERSONAL TAKE: The reason is the second one on this list.
NUMBER THREE: “FOR EVERY ACTION THERE IS AN EQUAL AND OPPOSITE GOVERNMENT PROGRAM.” — UNKNOWN
PERSONAL TAKE: Mr. Unknown is a fan of The Gipper.
NUMBER TWO: “THE GREAT THING ABOUT DEMOCRACY IS THAT IT GIVES EVERY VOTER A CHANCE TO DO SOMETHING STUPID.” — ART SPANDER
PERSONAL TAKE: Not just a chance but a LEGITIMATE chance.
NUMBER ONE: “A PATRIOT IS A PERSON WHO GETS A PARKING TICKET AND REJOICES BECAUSE THE SYSTEM WORKS.” — BILL VAUGHAN
PERSONAL TAKE: A fine example most people fake patriotism. True patriotism is hard.
NUMBER TEN: “HEARING NUNS’ CONFESSIONS IS LIKE BEING STONED TO DEATH WITH POPCORN.” — BISHOP FULTON J. SHEEN
PERSONAL TAKE: The bishop has another set of expectations?!
NUMBER NINE: “ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.” — GEORGE CARLIN
PERSONAL TAKE: Indeed. RELIGIOUS GROUPS on the other hand makes a lot of profit.
NUMBER EIGHT: “THE WORLD CAN’T END TODAY BECAUSE IT’S ALREADY TOMORROW IN AUSTRALIA.” — CHARLES SCHULZ
PERSONAL TAKE: Hah.
NUMBER SEVEN: “IN THE BEGINNING THERE WAS NOTHING AND GOD SAID,” LET THERE BE LIGHT.” THERE WAS STILL NOTHING, BUT YOU COULD SEE IT BETTER.” — ELLEN DEGENERES
PERSONAL TAKE: Oh Ellen.
NUMBER SIX: “MOSES DRAGGED US THROUGH THE DESERT TO THE ONE PLACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST WHERE THERE IS NO OIL.” — GOLDA MEIR
PERSONAL TAKE: Golda Meir is so bad-as* Yahweh is afraid of her.
NUMBER FIVE: “THE FIRST TIME ADAM HAD A CHANCE, HE LAID BLAME ON A WOMAN.” — LADY NANCY ASTOR
PERSONAL TAKE: Adam is a wimp.
NUMBER FOUR: “RELIGION GIVES PEOPLE HOPE IN A WORLD TORN APART BY RELIGION.” — JON STEWART
PERSONAL TAKE: You have to admit this is true.
NUMBER THREE: “IF YOUR PRAYERS WERE ALWAYS ANSWERED, YOU’D HAVE REASON TO DOUBT THE WISDOM OF GOD.” — UNKNOWN
PERSONAL TAKE: Amen.
NUMBER TWO: “IF GOD DOESN’T HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD, HE OWES SODOM AND GOMORRAH AN APOLOGY.” — JAY LENO
PERSONAL TAKE: Good point.
NUMBER ONE: “THE WORLD IS A MESS BECAUSE GOD SENT HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON. HE SHOULD HAVE COME HIMSELF.” — ROBERT BYRNE
PERSONAL TAKE: You better take this back. Remember: the son is a pacifist but the father is no diplomat. Hello. Old Testament bloodshed?
